Oops, I Hexed It Again Read online

  Monty stood and held up his hand. “Stop right there,” he told the witch. “We’re with RMCA.”

  “We’re serving a legitimate warrant,” I added. “You’re not on our list right now, but if you interfere, we’ll happily haul your butt in along with Gary here.”

  Razzy spit on the ground in Gary’s direction. She looked at the six of us and flashed us with a happy grin. “You all are welcome to him.”

  “Buttercup,” Gary moaned. “Nooo.”

  Monty elbowed the warlock in the head. “Have you heard of us, Gary?”

  He nodded. “Pieces of filth from the RMCA.”

  “That’s right,” I said, though filth seemed harsh.

  “And you know what we do, right?” Monty asked. “So, you either shut the hell up, or I’ll make sure you can’t speak ever again.”

  I didn’t think it was possible for the pasty-faced warlock to get any paler, but he did.

  Razzy cleared her throat then gestured to the throng of shoppers gathering in our vicinity with their smartphones taking pictures of the money and blast areas. Monty was able to keep them from seeing us, even digitally, but the scorched ceiling and upper deck were kind of hard to ignore.

  The thin witch glared at us. “Are you all going to take care of this or what? I have a business here, and I am a big believer that not all publicity is good publicity.”

  Chapter Two

  I sat back in my recliner, threw a piece of popcorn in the air, opened my mouth, and waited for the buttery, crispy goodness that never came. I cast a wary glance at Drag.

  She wiggled her fingers and produced the popcorn in her own hand. She grinned, bearing teeth and looking more feral than Time Bomb, as she held it up. "It's not punishment if you're enjoying yourself." She ate it. Dirty, rotten witch.

  "Stop talking," Time Bomb said. He had a box of tissue near his thigh, and he pulled one to dab at his eyes. "This is the best part of Notting Hill, and you're not going to ruin it for me. You lost the bet, so, pay attention."

  I pouted. It had been two months since the mall incident with Monty and his team, and since then, Drag and Time Bomb had been making little side bets with me about everything from sporting events to whether a one-ounce bag of chips had more or less than one ounce. The winner got to pick the punishment. They had both been choosing romantic comedies as a way to torture me. Frankly, Drag's obsession with Meg Ryan movies bordered on unhealthy.

  I threw a piece of popcorn at Drag. "I miss the days when all you guys would ask me to do was the dishes or the laundry. You know, something less painful."

  "I saw you tear up last night during Crazy, Rich, Asians," Drag said. "Don't even play like you weren't enjoying the show."

  "They were tears of pain," I said, even though, it had really been that damn wedding scene where the bride walked down the flowing stream barefoot. I never wanted to get married, but if I did, I wanted to walk down a flowing stream with floating flowers. "Is this about over?" The truth was, even though I protested, I hadn't hated the movies. I'd even let Time Bomb, who had a thing for Julia Roberts, win tonight's round because after seeing Pretty Woman, My Best Friend's Wedding, and Runaway Bride, I could see why the bear Shifter was enamored of her movies.

  "After all, I'm just a girl," Julia started.

  The house phone, the one directly connected to my boss on the Council, rang. Time Bomb and Drag moaned.

  I pointed to Time Bomb as I got up to answer the call. "Pause," I said.

  "I knew you liked the movie!" Drag exclaimed.

  I didn't bother to respond. I grabbed the house phone. "Wise, here," I answered.

  Shirley Brothers, a two-hundred-year-old creator witch and my boss, responded, "I have a job for you, Gigi."

  "Great." I glanced at the couch where Drag and Time Bomb were throwing popcorn and Chocolate Duds at each other. "The team and I are ready to go."

  "I don't need your team, Gigi. Just you."

  "I don't understand."

  "You worked with Montrose Abadose recently, correct?"

  "I did," I replied, afraid I knew where this was going. "Has he gone the way of his mother?" Monty's mother had once been the head of the Council, and she'd been trying to figure out a way to usurp the Baba Yaga and her protege the Shifter Wanker, by creating an immunity to their particular brand of magic. Monty and his team had taken her down. His own mother. And he’d proved his devotion to the Council above even his family. Or had it all been a calculated act? I hadn't thought so before, but maybe. "I should have known that guy was trouble."

  "Don't be ridiculous," Shirley said. "He will be your partner on this mission."

  "You've got to be shitting me," I protested. I had hoped to never cross paths with Monty again. For a moment, I'd thought there might be a spark between us. I'd visited Monty while he was healing his burns. We'd made plans to go out for a drink and celebrate our takedown of Gary. Monty had been charming, not at all stiff and proper like I'd imagined. He had a decent sense of humor, and he knew how to trade war stories. But the moment I considered inviting him back to my place for a seal-the-deal roll in the hay, he'd gotten a phone call that he took in private, made a lame excuse then left. "Does he get to bring his team?"

  "I am not shitting you," Shirley said stiffly. "And no, he won't be bringing his team, either. It will just be the two of you."

  "I don't get it." I'd worked very hard to not think about Monty. Plus, six weeks ago, I'd heard through gossip he was engaged to Pepper Rain, a witch who managed to gain fame in the human world as a singer, high-fashioned model, and actress. How he went from hanging out with me to two weeks later getting engaged to someone else was beyond me. Granted, Pepper was glamorous, a size zero, and she came from old magic, but did that mean she was better than me? Probably. At least, where Monty was concerned. "Why me?" I asked. "Isn't there someone else?"

  "Because you are the strongest witch I know with silence magic. As a matter of fact, I’ve never seen anything like it. Besides, you’ve been requested.”

  “By who?”

  “People who are higher up than me,” she said. “You and Montrose will be partnered up for a top-secret mission. Top secret being the operative words."

  "Where?"

  "The Grand Bahamas."

  Really? A tropical location? Alone with Monty. Noooo. "Give me the brief."

  "That's my girl," Shirley said. "We believe a cult of witches and warlocks have been kidnapping human tourists."

  "Don't you mean coven?"

  "No. They don't seem to follow the same rules as a coven, and they don't follow the teachings of the Goddess. We need you to identify the key players and locate the leader of the group."

  I understood the concept of cutting the head off the snake. "Okay. And what's the other objective?"

  "We believe they plan to use the human hostages as new moon sacrifices, when the moon is nearly invisible to the naked eye, to raise an ancient source of magic that will give them almost unlimited power." She paused for effect. "You can see how that could be a bad idea."

  "You mean, aside from the human sacrifice aspect?"

  She ignored my sarcasm. "The cult calls themselves Divinus Paradiso, and the resort they operate is called the Divine Paradise Resort and Club on Lucaya Bay. It is a front for their nefarious deeds. That is all we've been able to uncover through our investigation."

  "So, we go down, find the baddies, take the evil bastards down, and confiscate the source."

  "No. You call the Council before they raise the source, then you and Monty will be charged with freeing the human victims, and we will use the Baba Yaga's team of enforcers to take out the cult members."

  "You mean Baba Yaga's bobbleheads?"

  "I'm so happy to see that Zelda's slang is making its way around witchkind." Shirley sounded anything but happy.

  "The Shifter Wanker," I said, using Zelda's preferred title, "will be the new Baba Yaga someday. Most of us are smart enough to adapt."

  "Yes," Shirley said as if she'd
sucked a sour lemon. "She will be our leader one day."

  I sighed. "I still don't understand why I can't take my team."

  "They can go with you for the ceremony, but under no circumstances can they stay for the investigation.”

  “Ceremony? I am not killing a human to get into this cult.”

  “Of course, you’re not. We don't want you interacting with anyone but the Divinus Paradiso once you're initiated into the group. It's couples only."

  "Couples only?" But Monty and I weren't a couple. Far from it. Hell, we'd barely survived a brief partnership. Now I was going to have to, what? Be his girlfriend. Ugh. I shook my head. I am a professional, I reminded myself. I would take on whatever challenges the Council threw at me. "Then what’s the freaking ceremony for?"

  "You and Montrose will have to get married at the resort.”

  “Ha, ha,” I said as panic rose. “You got me there, Shirl. What kind of human should I kidnap? Blonde or brunette?”

  “We can’t fake the marriage,” said Shirl as if I’d never spoken. “These witches are highly suspicious. So, you and Agent Abadose must convince them you’re in love, and you must marry for real."

  Uh, there was professional, and there was no-way-in-flipping-hell. "Isn't he already engaged?"

  "Yes," she said. "To you. Congratulations on your impending nuptials, Gigi," Shirley said with a little too much glee. "Don't worry. We will nullify the legality of the ceremony as soon as the mission is over. It won't be any problem, as long as you don't do anything rash."

  "What do you consider rash?"

  "Falling in love," she said on a laugh.

  "No worries there."

  "Or," she added, "making love. Those old rules of consummation are there for a reason. Intercourse tightens marriage magic. Divorce is still an option, obviously but it would legally be counted as your first marriage. No nullification."

  I let loose with a wildly inappropriate bark of laughter that ended in a nervous giggle.

  "Are you okay?" Shirley asked.

  "Fine," I told her. "The only intercourse I plan on having is of the social and work kind, not the sexual kind."

  She paused for a moment then said, "Should I be worried?"

  "No. Absolutely not." I absolutely could resist Monty's charms. Especially since I was obviously not his supermodels-of-the-world type. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm beautiful, but all witches are by human standards. It still didn't make us all equal. It was like having a table full of lush, gorgeous varieties of fruits and vegetables; apples, pears, carrots, celery, etc. They were all tasty and delicious in their own way, but if you liked carrots more than oranges, and carrots were available, the oranges would be left on the table to rot. I was a muscular orange, not a stick-thin carrot. In other words, I was built for combat, not for seduction. If Monty was engaged to Pepper Rain, he definitely preferred a sexier kind of witch.

  "Good. You have one week to prepare for the mission. Your wedding will take place next Saturday night at eleven-forty-five at the resort. If all goes well, you will be accepted into the Divinus Paradiso at Midnight."

  "How will we know if it will work?"

  "Don't worry. You'll know. And we have a contingency plan if your cover is blown."

  "What cover?"

  She hung up without answering.

  I set the phone down on the counter. "Great.

  "What's up?" Drag asked. "Where are we heading to next?"

  "To the Grand Bahamas," I said, "For my honeymoon."

  "I didn't know you were getting married," Time Bomb said.

  Drag smacked him on the chest. "Don't be daft, silly bugger. It's a joke. She's not really getting married."

  "Actually, I am."

  "Are you knocked up?" Drag asked.

  "Now, you're being daft. Even if I were pregnant, that's not a good excuse to get married."

  "Then what is?" Time Bomb asked.

  "Yeah," Drag agreed. "Then what's a good reason?"

  "Other than love," I said with a shrug. "The mission, of course."

  They both nodded. Time Bomb said, "Yay, destination wedding."

  "Congratulations," Drag added. "Do I get to be the maid of honor?"

  I rolled my eyes. "Time Bomb has dibs."

  "Yes!" the bear Shifter exclaimed. He stuck his tongue out at Drag. "I am a vision in chiffon."

  Chapter Three

  "Damn it to Hell," I cursed for the umpteenth time. I stared at a reflection in the mirror that looked nothing like me. Instead of blonde wavy hair, mine was now straight and black. Instead of curves, I looked willowy. Instead of my amber-colored eyes, they were now midnight blue. It wasn't my nose, my cheeks, or my mouth, and my chin had never looked so pointy. "I not only have to get real witch-married, but I have to do it in a fake body and with a fake face?" Every time I looked in the mirror, Pepper-freaking-Rain looked back at me. I'd had infused her DNA with my magic to take on her appearance, and it had been an uncomfortable transformation.

  "Quit moving," Time Bomb said with beaded pins between his lips. "Unless you want to be dragging your hem along with the train again."

  I'd stepped on my hem with my satin stilettos and ripped out the rear seam. So, I balled my fists and tried to hold perfectly still as Drag and Time Bomb fussed with my light cream-colored A-line satin wedding dress with a Watteau train. "This is so not fair."

  "Knock, knock." Monty Abadose stood in the doorway to the bridal suite. He wore a black Nehru tuxedo jacket with a silvery blue shirt underneath. The blue silver highlighted his bright blue eyes. Seeing him looking so handsome, dashing even, took me off balance, and I almost fell off the stool. Luckily, Drag and Time Bomb had my back. Monty smiled, charming and so sexy. Gah. I nearly fell again. He had something in his hand that I couldn't see, but frankly, it was hard to pay attention when he looked at me the way he did. It made me giddy, almost drunk with heady lust.

  "You are beautiful," said the guy who got to be himself on this mission while I had to look like his perfect woman.

  His compliment sobered my loins. "Of course, you'd think I look beautiful, considering I'm wearing someone else's face."

  "I..." He shook his head and placed his hand in his pocket. "Never mind." He pulled out a small box. He held it up. "It's a pre-wedding gift," he said. "May I?"

  I frowned but nodded. "Okay."

  When he was a few feet away, I could smell the scent of jasmine and sandalwood, along with other warm binding scents like cardamom and musk. And while technically there was no such thing as a "binding" between witches and warlocks, a spell would be cast during the ceremony to enhance our attraction and instinct to protect. I didn't like the idea that any magic was being used to artificially affect my emotions when it came to Monty, but the Council had insisted it was necessary to make the Divinus Paradiso believe our vows were real.

  Time Bomb palmed my calf as if he expected me to swoon again. However, Monty's compliment had the same effect as ice water poured over my lusty feelings, and I easily kept my composure.

  "This is a family tradition," Monty said. "For luck. And even though, this might be a short marriage of convenience, I wanted to present you with this amulet."

  Inside the box was a gold ankh pin encrusted with diamonds and rubies. "What is it?"

  "It's an eternal promise amulet given by my father to my mother on their wedding day. It has been handed down the same through seven generations, and it's the only thing I kept of hers when she..." He shook his head. "I'd like you to have it when you join with me at the altar." He took it out of the box and reached out toward me as if he would pin it on my bodice.

  I recoiled from the enormity of the gift. "I can't wear that."

  "You must," he said. "No one will believe the ceremony is real without the Abadose Amulet." His expression soured. "I know marrying me is the last thing you want, but the mission comes first."

  I sucked in a breath and pulled my head up. "I know." I plucked the amulet from his fingers and pinned it to my top.
<
br />   "It's crooked," Monty said. "May I?"

  I nodded.

  Monty straightened the pin, his fingertips brushing against my skin in the process. I couldn't hide the goose bumps or the fact that my nipples had gone on full alert. Monty raised his brow at me but was smart enough to keep any comments to himself.

  "I'm sorry this has to be your first marriage," he said.

  I leveled my stare at him. Witches and warlocks had higher percentages of marriage and divorce than even humans. We were a long-lived and impulsive species. I knew better than most, considering I was a product of that impulsivity. Because of my own background, I'd never planned to marry until I was confident it would last longer than the honeymoon, and here I was throwing chance number one away for the job. "How many times have you been married?"

  "This will be my first time," he said, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He didn't elaborate. "I've always been too devoted to my work." He gave me a quick wink. "See you out there."

  "Not if I see you first," I grumbled when he walked away. I glanced in the mirror again. "I hate Pepper Rain. Her music sucks. Her acting sucks. And she sucks."

  "That's what he said," Drag quipped. She and Time Bomb guffawed at the joke. I twisted my torso enough to move the dress so that Time Bomb poked himself with one of the straight pins.

  "Ouch," he said and put his fingertip to his lips.

  I'd only found out when I was given the mission briefing on the plane that Pepper Rain had been Monty's assignment for the past two months. She was a member of the Divinus Paradiso cult, and Monty had worked their relationship as an angle for entry into the elusive group. She'd been arrested three days before I'd been given the mission and had been put in the Salem witch jail for hard cases and to be held until after our job was over and we nabbed the rest of the cult. Pepper had thought she was grooming Monty the entire time, but he'd played her like a celestial flute. Monty, now that he was, by all appearances, marrying the illustrious witch superstar, would be granted full member access to the cult. And as the son of the infamous Melba Abadose, one of the most notorious witches of our time, it added even more credibility to his new darker status in the witch and warlock community. I, on the other hand, had spent the past week buried in profile folders and learning every single thing I could about Pepper, down to her favorite ice cream flavor. It was cherry and rum raisin swirl. I shuddered when I'd tasted it. Only a masochist could love cherry and rum raisin ice cream. So gross.